Bush on Brown

The White House released a four-sentence statement by President Bush on the death of James Brown. One of the four contains a dangling modifier:

An American original, his fans came from all walks of life and backgrounds.

His fans were an American original, says so right here.

Must be hard to get good help over the holidays.

The O.J. Economy

David Vest's thoughts on the periodical resurfacing of Old Faithful:

I dreamed I saw O.J. Simpson on television. Right there on my set. Incredible. Will this guy never go away? As I frantically fumbled for the channel changer, somewhere down among the sofa cushions, O. J. began the most amazing speech I have ever heard.

"Hi, I'm O. J. Simpson. I know you're sick of me, but hear me out. Folks, I'm strapped for cash. As in busted. I've got debts no honest man can pay. Plus expenses you wouldn't believe. That's why I'm making you this special offer. For a limited time only, if enough people send me $1, I promise to go away. That's right. Just $1, and you'll never hear from me again. You don't even have to use a stamp or an envelope. Just call 1-900-BYJUICE, wait for the beep, hang up, and I'm outta here for good. The charges will appear on your phone bill. I know it sounds too good to be true, but this is your chance to get rid of me -- once and for all. No more interviews. No more golf tournaments. Nada. Don't let this opportunity go by. All I need is for three million people to pick up that phone right now. The more the better. Make that call, and I guarantee you've heard the last of O. J. Simpson."

Granted, I had been taking some powerful anti-histamines, but I was spellbound. At first I thought it was some weird joke, but as my head cleared it all began making perfect sense to me.

I am convinced that O. J. should actually make this offer. For one thing, it would be infinitely more attractive than paying to watch him mumble some answers on a lie detector test, and possibly even more lucrative. Have you ever actually watched a lie detector test? Boring!

For another, I believe millions of people would gladly pay one dollar to get rid of O. J. No doubt some would even pay as much as two dollars. And I have no doubt whatsoever that O. J. would take the money. Personally, I could care less what he did with it, as long as I didn't hear about it.

The funds could all be put in escrow, with the bulk of it held in reserve. O. J. could draw on the rest, and if at any time he showed his face in public, that great sucking sound would be his account being instantly drained and forwarded to a hit man or the IRS, whichever is legal.

This is an idea that could extend far beyond O.J. The public could pay Toby Keith and Celine Dion not to make any more records. Think of how much money the American people might be willing to pay Hilary Clinton and Newt Gingrich NOT to run in 2008. They should act fast before Ross Perot gets wind of this idea.

Instead of the Designated Hitter, baseball could have the Designated Sitter. If a new John Rocker comes along, he could simply be hired to stay off the baseball field. Much better than having him become a stockbroker! I wouldn’t give him a dime for his financial advice, but I'd put up real money to have him get lost. Someday, some unknown Ricky Henderson could even eclipse Ripken's record, sitting out 3,000 consecutive games, or something.

Georgia's Flannery O'Connor said, "Many a best-seller could have been prevented by a good teacher." This plan goes far beyond her idea. We could just pay our "favorite" writers to quit writing books we don't like. Authors like Martha Stewart could make millions. Not as much as Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would earn, but nothing to sneeze at.

Skeptics and naysayers may deplore the rise of a bribe-based economy. There will always be people who "view with alarm" whenever anyone advocates progress. Hey, if they don’t like my suggestion, let them put their money where their myth is. Silence is golden.

Whichever side of the issue you come down on, couldn't we debate it better with O. J. out of the way?

And if O. J. goes, can William Bennett be far behind?

-- See more by Vest at www.rebelangel.com )

The Most Dishonest-Looking Man in America

William Bennett
will return in a minute.
We shall all have our fill
of that mean netwit Bill.

Run Amok Rumsfeld

Writing in Vanity Fair, but not available online, Michael Wolff reminds us all in "RUMSFELD AND THE GENERALS" that "the media, or, if you will, the most confident, orotund, and self-satisfied voices of the media, were, right up until Iraq was an inescapable fiasco, boosters of Run Amok Rumsfeld."

Quote of the Day

Peggy Noonan writes, "I've never met a career military man who was a conservative on social issues.

The New Exceptionalism

Jeff Wells at Rigorous Intuition has some necessary thoughts on "Haditha's elevation as Iraq's official, bad apple atrocity."

A Fair And Balanced Press Secretary

So Bill Kristol thinks it will be "good to have a fair and balanced press secretary." Fair enough: all Tony Snow has to do, to signal that he really does intend to put a "new face" on the White House communications strategy, is to walk into the press room, call on Helen Thomas to ask the first question of his tenure, give a complete straight answer to whatever she asks, and allow her a follow-up.

Is Pat Robertson Losing It?

It may have sounded like vintage Pat Robertson, when the ABC Family cable network star and founder of the Christian Coalition suggested that God smote Ariel Sharon in divine retribution for "dividing God's land."

In fact, this latest outburst shows us that the Rev. Pat is seriously off his game. How else to explain his failure to link Sharon's catastrophic stroke with the rampant scourge of interspecies marriage in the Holy Land?

However, it's good to know that someone had his back on this vital issue.